Oh, I am most definitely actively trying to embody that. As I am blooming to who I am called to be, I am trying to showcase beauty time a million (lol), power (grown woman power), confidence (because who are you to tell me who I am?!) and be more vibrant. Of course there’s more to that but overall, I want to showcase all of my internal powers and be the WOMAN I am supposed to be. That requires some work… work that is not going to happen over night. That’s the hard part. I want stuff to happen overnight. Its like I think about it today, then it should come to light tomorrow. NEWSFLASH, it doesn’t work like that. Yes, I will admit I am impatient.

Scripture says in Proverbs 16:32, “Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.”

I strive to be patient. Does it come easy? No, but it is a work in progress. Often times, we question what we don’t have and miss out on what we do have. (oooo you better speak!) I am guilty of this. I often say I am thankful for what I have buttttt can I have this? or Can I have that? It’s hard not to want the next, and I think its because I desire it heavily that I want to see it happen quickly. I have to remember that this life, the life that I have, is not going to happen according to my plan. God’s plan is the only plan. Easy to say, but hard to believe. I’M WITH YOU! You have to starting thinking a certain type of way so that you can train your thoughts to generate and morph into what they are supposed to be. You might’ve heard this before but take it from a young woman, who’s in her mid 20’s, finding her true authentic self, and going through the same issues as anyone else my age. I have to tell myself this weekly. A work IN PROGRESS.

I am hitting an age where my frontal lobe has “started” to develop (according to science and Tiktok). But now, I can say it actually started slowly, over three years ago. I dug myself into a deep hole a delusion and it backfired drastically. A MESS. I was stuck hard on finding love and ended up finding delusional liking in the worst way. Growing up with parents who were married before I was born, showcased a lot of what love should be and look like. Marriage has been on the list of my life since I was a young girl. What I have discovered now in this day and age, MARRIAGE IS A GHOST. Nonexistent in peoples minds and that’s baffling (to me at least). Intentions…gone. Morals…gone. Human respect…gone. Self respect…gone. Lover girl….gone. Dignity…gone. And a whole lot of other stuff. I was naive back then and thought since I had intentions, that he would be on the same type of timing. NO MA’AM. I had missed the signs of “girl you need to run” and it ended to a point where I had created a deep whole and took a nose dive in it.

It got to a point where I had thoughts that something was wrong with me… Yes, I am afraid to admit it lol. I really thought I had the mind and mental capacity to survive that mess and ended yo turning me into a mess. (a blessing mess). I went to therapy, hid my emotions from everyone around me and hid from my mom…(and yes , she still upset that I hid it from her lol) I was going crazy inside and throughout the whole predicament, I thought I could be a builder and build the man I wanted. Mexican food dates and “gentleman” tendencies had your girl in a chokehold! But it was because I so desperately wanted love. A certain type of love that I needed to develop within myself first that I thought I could get from a man. (yuckkkk). Lesson learned. It took my campus therapist (yes, I was in my last semester of college-graduated early too) and my beloved sister to open my eyes one afternoon. I found out that I tend to make others happy so that they can return that and make me happy… I learned that in an ideal world, that’s not how it works. It was rushed and if I had taken a step back and open my eyes that I was young I did not need to rush into a relationship or even a predicament where I was not prepared. I tried to navigate my life down a certain path, a path that I created with my own visions thinking that I could steer and God said NO.

I came home from therapy that day and sat on my sisters floor. Eyes red, silent and my mental running a million miles per hour. I was crying out for help but the words did not escape my lips. I kept getting phone calls from unknown numbers and it was driving me crazy literally. I prayed during that season that it would all change and get peace. And that came from my sister asking me that day “ Do you want to get his stuff and drop it off on his porch?” And do you know I was hesitant?!!! (Like girl pleaseeeeeeeee.) I finally said yes and we loaded her Jeep with a tv, dresser, clothes, bags, pictures and a whole bunch of nothing and drove 20 minutes and left all of that on the street in front of the place he was staying. That was a release that I didn’t know would physically affect me. Two weeks after that , after enduring threats and hateful acts, I walked across a stage with my degree in hand, a new hair color and a vision to change my outlook on life. I wanted to start becoming a person who I had hidden inside for a long long time.